It was just last week that I was reading some collection of hilariously devious responses to wrong number texts, and I remember while I was reading them, I thought, “I can tell I’m getting old, because there’s no way I would prank someone like that.”
Turns out, I’m not nearly as mature as I thought I was.
This morning I got two calls in a row from a strange number, and I didn’t answer because I stopped answering mystery calls probably five years ago. A few minutes later, from the same number, I get this text:
“Did u tell Clyde we fucked? — ~Nay-Nay~”
Man, sending me that kind of ripe text is no way to quell my inner 14-year-old. Despite the fact that there are exactly SEVEN words in that text, there are three separate humor packets in there: The fact that there’s a dude named “Clyde” (I grew up in the 80s so I thought only Hollywood orangutans and shooting guards were named Clyde), a girl calling herself “Nay-Nay” and of course, the fact that apparently Clyde was getting all up in that Nay-Nay. (I wonder what their kids would be named…)
So I decided to take a half-measure and not totally prank them, but try to toss a bit of humor in there, too. You can’t get a setup like that and just piss away the ready-made opportunity to make SOMETHING out of it. So I said:
“I didn’t, but that’s because you have the wrong number and I don’t know anyone named Clyde. But if I meet him, I still won’t tell him. You get yours, girl!”
I thought that would lead to a chuckle and a thanks-for-your-discretion, but no. Nay-Nay was just getting warmed up:
“OK kevin cuz i told him! An i am not goin to b wit him ever!! Old ass geezer!!” ~Nay Nay~
I thought I made it clear that I was the WRONG number, but maybe not. So I added:
“OK, that’s good, I’m glad. But you do know that I’m not Kevin or Clyde or anyone you know, right? You have the wrong number and I’m a random stranger you’re talking to. It’s ok though, we can keep chatting if you like.”
Things took on a life of their own from there. I’m sharing the rest here verbatim for anyone who may have missed it on Facebook.
Nay Nay: “R u a man?”
Me: “Yes, I’m 39. Sometimes I feel like a geezer, but that’s natural, right? Would you think of me as a geezer? Be honest, I can take it.”
Nay Nay: “No, u in age range, thank god! U black?, white? What race?” ~Nay Nay~
Me: “Ohhh thank you! That makes me feel good, ha! I am mostly tan but I feel like a child of the whole world, like we are all the human race, right? I love all people. How about u?”
Nay Nay: “What race r u thank u!”
Me: “I am honestly not sure because I am adopted but I feel very strongly that I have Puerto Rican roots. I hope that doesn’t turn you off. I am a really nice person. What race r u?”
Nay Nay: “Me too, i’m kinda tan, got alot of native am in me! U ok wit that?”
Me: “Yes of course. Beauty is beauty and all colors of the creator’s spectrum give off their own unique and amazing light, do you agree? I really do!”
Nay Nay: “I agree!”
Me: “Do you enjoy the music of Drake? Have you heard “Hold On, We’re Going Home”? I LOVE THAT SONG!!!”
Nay Nay: “Do u like men or women?” ~ Nay Nay ~
Me: “I like you! Are you a man or woman? I can tell you have beautiful light. Please let’s keep talking. I am a lonely person. I don’t think people see my light the way they see yours.”
Nay Nay: “Is dat right? Cuz my fren is lookin for a partner.” ~Nay Nay~
Nay Nay: “An oh by da way, i am all woman!”
I just want to stop here and remind everyone that I have no idea who this person is, and vice versa, and we just started texting accidentally in the last 30 minutes.
Me: “I thought you were all woman because you text like a real woman! Yes! Now tell me about this friend of yours and what kind of light is in their soul! I need to hear a positive story that uplifts my soul!”
Nay Nay: “No comment! Let da old ass geezer sleep!!” ~ Nay Nay~
Me: “Oh OK. Is it Clyde? Is he sleeping now?”
Nay Nay: “Don’t know! He uses a rubberband round his dick, an has to take viagra dats really pitiful! At least my ex husband gets hard naturally, an has a big dick! Dats what I like!!” ~Nay Nay~
Well all right then! Nay Nay is not Shy-Shy.
Me: “Oh no. That is a very dangerous thing to do to a life-giving organ such as the penis. Don’t you agree? WOW!”
Me: “I have never heard any ladies complain about a penis that is large. It seems almost every lady likes that. Do you agree?”
Nay Nay: “Definately! Im glad im getting bak with my ex” ~Nay Nay~
Nay Nay: “He dont have a big dick. hes too small for me. I’m used to my ex husband.”
Man, this poor Clyde bastard is taking a beating in this conversation, isn’t he?
Me: “You are? Congratulations! I am so happy for you guys! Do you think he has learned to really love you with his full heart and support your dreams and desires? Don’t you dare settle for less. Don’t you dare!”
Nay Nay: “Thanks, an yeah, i do truly love him we have 4 beautiful kids we gettin married again! Thank u!” ~Nay Nay~
Me: “Weddings are beautiful. I always cry at them. Where are you getting married? There are so many lovely places.”
Nay Nay: “At west memphis,tn on new years”
Me: “It is one of the most beautiful cities to get married and they have delicious food and country music. Are you driving or taking a train?”
Nay Nay: “He’s cummin after da love of his life”
Yeah, not gonna touch that one.
Me: “What is his name? Is it Clyde?”
Nay Nay: “Hey, can you give me a ride?”
Yeah, again…this chick has no idea who I am and whether I’m crazy or not. So I thought I’d maybe drill that idea home a little bit.
Me: “Where are you you and where do you need to go?”
Nay Nay: “I am at 906 Explorer and I need to go to ABC Apartments, please give me a ride.”
Me: “I will try. I don’t have offsite privileges yet because they say I’m not ready yet but I know some of the nurses leave their keys in their cars so maybe I could sneak out and they won’t notice.”
Me: “Please don’t text for the next few minutes if they know i have a phone they will take it away”
Nay Nay: “Whatever! An I thoght I had a ride! Dammit!”
Me: “It’s ok but you don’t have any warrants right because I don’t want to get you into trouble because your wedding is coming up.”
Nay Nay: “No an im walking now. U goin to give me a ride?”
Me: “if i can get a nurses car would u drive and let me hide in the back seat because they will be looking for me when i’m not there for headcount.”
Two hours have passed and no word from Nay-Nay. I wonder if I said something wrong. Maybe she doesn’t see my light anymore the way I see hers.
Oh well. I’ve still got her number.